I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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