I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
