dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
