just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
