Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
