I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
