I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
