I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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