Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
