She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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