Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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