The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
