I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
