I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
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I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
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THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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