Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
