I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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