got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
