wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
