All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
