But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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