That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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