I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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