She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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