My cat gives me a boner
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
