In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i now understand why vodka
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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