we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
