Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
