go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
