Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
