Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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