im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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