You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
