Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
