im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
