Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
A bitchslap is in order.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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