It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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