So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
me + whiskey = a bad person
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
