i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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