when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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