Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I want her autograph on my taint
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
