Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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