I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
