that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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