I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
