if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
