Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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