First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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