just come out here and I will go home with you...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Pooping to opera.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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