We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
