Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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