i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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