you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
