my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
