People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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