New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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