i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
